Bringing home our Tiny Person
Insider #125 with scenes from becoming a parent.
Dear Insider,
As I write this post, the clock ticks to 2 am. Rohan is asleep beside me. I am typing softly, so that I do not break the rhythm of his breathing. I like to hear it. His little chest goes up and down, he flails his arms every few minutes, and he smiles in his sleep. I wonder what his dreams look like.
In the last post to readers, I wondered if an independent writer had any way to claim parental leave. You answered by generously supporting via my Buy Me A Coffee page. That caffeine is directly powering this long post. Thank you.
The SneakyArt (Insider) Post is written for paying subscribers and patrons of SneakyArt. Every Sunday of this parental leave, I will share the latest drawings of parenthood and deeper thoughts from this new chapter of life.
The Nights Watch
After three sleepless nights in a row, we are taking turns to stay up. I am on duty until 3 am tonight.
Just Human Things
He looks up at us with big eyes when he is awake and reaches out with tiny fingers when he is hungry. We call him Rohan. Or Rohu. Or Ro-Ro. But he does not respond to any of his names yet. He is pristine, and untouched by human affairs, and far above base concepts of nomenclature.
Science tells us he is above many other human things. Like the colour spectrum. His world is largely black and white because the rods in his eyes are well-developed, but the cones are not yet ready. I am a crude shape of black and white to him, as is his mother, as are his grandparents. He hears us well, but cannot tell us apart. His ears pick up all the frequencies that mine do, but his brain does not parse them the way I can. All sounds are just sounds, and aural reality becomes a broadband of white noise. He also does not have the complex, hidden, and subconscious desires of other humans. It is very clear when he wants something. And he only ever wants one or two things. I am learning much from him.
The Story
We were making a checklist for a Sunday IKEA trip when my wife texted me from the bathroom. I think … my water just broke. What is described as “water breaking” is the rupture of the sac of amniotic fluid inside which the unborn baby is suspended. It is a lot of liquid, much more than you might think possible.
Her water had broken before contractions had begun. Contractions are the muscles of your uterus self-contracting to push the baby down and out of the body. Contractions are the body’s signal that it is ready for the birthing process. Your body decides the best time for this. Neither mother nor child can will it into happening a certain way or at a certain time. Nature assumes control.
We believed we were sufficiently prepared for the moment. But in the moment, as our voices lowered, and a silence grew, it dawned on me that life was changing now. That life had changed already. Was I ready? I scrambled to pack our hospital bag. After a conversation with the emergency department, we made our way to the BC Children’s Hospital. Contractions had not yet begun.
If your water breaks but contractions do not begin, you are on a 24-hour clock. You may go into labour, or you may not. You may go into labour and phase out again. There is still enough time for a lot of things to happen. Active labour is when contractions last for a minute, and occur every 4 minutes. The pain is so intense you cannot even speak during that minute. But if 24 hours pass without active labour, both mother and child are kept under observation and labour may be induced. They examined her at the emergency department and gave us a choice - to go back home for the night, or get a room right away. We opted to stay.
And almost on cue, contractions began.
Because contractions were too far apart, they put her on oxytocin to accelerate the process. After a couple of hours, as contractions increased in intensity and frequency, she opted for the epidural too. It was a pragmatic decision to deal with the pain and catch some sleep before, you know, all that.
To clear you for the epidural, they poke you a couple of times. They draw blood, put you on a drip, and measure as much as possible. Then you wait for the on-call anesthesiologist. Fortunately, it was not a busy night at the hospital, and the anesthesiologist arrived within minutes.
As the pain subsided, she was able to rest. I took the couch nearby and slept too. A nurse stayed in the room with us all night, observing the monitors.
The epidural meant that she had no physical awareness of the contractions. The nurse would tell her when it was time to push. With each contraction she pushed once, twice, then a third and a fourth time, her face puffed, her skin red, and every ounce of strength aimed toward the ceiling because that is what they tell you to do.
Try to launch the baby toward the ceiling. Don’t worry, we will catch him!
I sat by her left side, whispering encouragement, kissing her forehead, holding her leg back with one arm, supporting her neck with the other, and drawing in between contractions.
Our Canadian healthcare experience is completely different from our American healthcare experience.
After three years of living in British Columbia, and availing the healthcare system in various ways, we have not seen a single bill or invoice. We pay $0 for healthcare. The one time we got rear-ended in Wisconsin and went to the emergency department just to get looked at, we received bills and negotiated-bills and further-negotiated-bills for the next 8 months. Each one said to ignore the ones before it. We used to pay hundreds of dollars every month for private healthcare back then. We ended up paying $3000 for the 10-minute checkup.
In Canada, we see doctors and nurses. In the US, we would have to go through multiple finance and accounts departments before seeing any person with a medical education. In Canada, they knock softly on the door before entering, answer our questions, ask if we have more, and hang around as long as we need. They present options and ask what we would like. No one talks about checking our co-pay or whether we are in-network. In America, you sign waivers, and enter your insurance details again and again. When you get your bill, one line in the multi-line invoice says you have been charged $1000 because an imaging technician handed your X-ray to an actual doctor who held it in their actual hands for a whole minute.
I hate to harp on about this but … when you live in America you hear many horror stories about the healthcare system of Canada. Not enough specialists. Long wait times. But when you leave, you realize this is America’s recurring habit when speaking about the outside world.
Sometimes I think America could not exist without an atmosphere of xenophobia that forces people to gaze inward, and compels them to ignore everyone else. (That explains a lot of American foreign policy.)
Anyway, we got no bills. We met with only doctors and nurses. They gave us extra diapers and donor milk and wipes and sterilized bottles to take home. Just in case you need them! They gave us a lot of time and attention. We pay $0 for healthcare.
Sleepless Nights
Dear Insider, it has been 3 sleepless nights in a row. Rohan is wide awake from 10 in the night until about 4 in the morning. When and how does this get easier? Please give me your best advice for these first weeks.
Thank you for your time and attention. My night shift is nearly over. It is time to change a diaper, and see if we can go from 60 to 80ml of milk. Wish me luck!
Next week, diaper stories and more drawings (but not of poop).
Sleep anytime you both can. Even times when you could make a sketch instead is okay! Lean on friends and family. Like crazy. Get more sleep. Take photos, make drawings. And know that all of us that tell you how magical it is have just forgotten how we spent a good many moments thinking "what the heck did I sign up for??!". It is ridiculously hard AND it is worth it.
This Tiny Person, Rohan, is his own sphere and always will be. Think of a snail. Austin Kleon told us about The Sound of a Sail Eating, which I just finished. Be still. Observe. Allow constant amazement and curiosity, for him and for you. Your life HAS changed forever. Allow this transition. All is about him right now, as babies are made helpless. Drop what you can. Relax as much as you can in everything you do. And, as we all say, sleep-rest-take care of yourself when Tiny Person sleeps.
This is wearing. This is hard. So too is him leaving home for college in another country before FT and to live on the other side of the world. I've experienced that. Wouldn't have it any other way, though. It's all amazing and will lead you to glorious places you wouldn't have expected.